Baby loss Awareness
Baby loss awareness week:
I wanted to share with you all our story, a very real story that happened in May 2017, from a point of view that isn’t often heard about, an Auntie to a still born baby, our baby Mia.
My sister and I have always been so very close with just 21 months between us, she’s my best friend, and we share pretty much everything. From the moment she sent the photo of a positive line on the test, my sisters baby was already in my head and heart. I was Auntie Shell, teaching her ballet, and sharing so many precious moments with her and my sister, she was going to some how be apart of me in a funny way( thats how close we are)
I will never forget ‘that day’, my sister hadn’t called after the scan to say all was ok. I’d realised that I had not heard from her or her other half for about 2 and a half hours, so I picked up the phone and called, expecting them to be at home chilling out.
When I called he answered the phone:
“Hi, you alright?” I said,
“We’ve lost the baby” he said,
“WHAT” I quickly said again
“We’ve lost the baby” he repeated
“She’s dead, there’s no heart beat, we’re leaving the hospital now, we will call when home”
That very moment the walls to my flat closed in on me; was this an awful prank? Starting to wish so hard that it was, my heart felt pain like no pain ever felt before, the kind where I think it actually hurt to breath. My heart was actually aching, all of a sudden I felt totally lost. All our plans for this little girl being born in around 4 weeks time had suddenly vanished, my future of teaching her ballet, having her for sleep overs, watching her play with her cousin, getting baby cuddles and the joy of my sister becoming a mum GONE!!
I quickly rung for someone to come over to look after my little girl so I could see my sister. We live opposite the hospital and without knowing my sister and her other half had come straight to mine and I met them outside. I will never forget the looks on there faces, needing some form of comfort, anything to make the pain that they were feeling stop, we all embraced, tears streaming down our eyes, touching the bump which we knew wouldn’t kick out at us again. The questions we all had were... why?! What now?! How could this happen?! How can we even carry on?!
I was mourning for my sisters baby, and for her, worrying about how she was going to get through this awful time (would she even get through it).
It suddenly dawned on us all that we would have to let people know, why she wouldn’t be in work tomorrow, why there will be no baby shower, telling grandparents that they’re not going to be grandparents, letting friends know there will to no exciting “I’m in labour news”
Such a heart break for all, but most of all these 2 parents.
Overnight I start googling how fast baby needs to come out, it stated somewhere babies who have died in the womb can poison the mother. I then start fearing losing my sister, knowing already apart of her has died, the smiles and laughter her bubbly personality all gone!! How can something so cruel happen to her and her partner.
That night crying myself to sleep knowing she would be also, knowing that her hurting is even more than my hurting, how I was feeling so low and in so much pain, with the awful feeling of heaviness all over me. Waking up in the morning with that huge realisation of yes it did happen, it hasn’t gone away, starting the heart ache all over again.
Taking a deep breath, I messaged my sister seeing if she was awake,
of course she was, wide awake and hurting. The thought of the next step was so final. I think over-night we all tried to convince ourselves that they had got it wrong and we all felt another scan was needed before taking ‘THAT PILL’, the pill that when taken all hopes of this being an awful nightmare were shattered, that this wasn’t going to go away, that this pill was going to make the baby come and that this precious, loved, baby girl was not going to be crying.
‘Going into hospital’
It was one of the hardest walks I’ve ever had to make, walking my sister and her fiancé towards the delivery suite, dreading seeing any pregnant woman or babies for the sake of my sister.
We got to the doors and all just hysterically burst into tears, immediately we were whisked off to the SANDS ROOM by a midwife who I will never forget, an amazing lady who listened, answered, understood and changed my sisters mindset set into turning this awful experience to the most positive one she possibly could. She explained the moments after birth were so precious and limited, that she would be given time to spend with her baby, family could meet her, and hand prints would be made as well as photos. If it wasn’t for this amazing midwife I certainly dont think I could have supported my sister and her partner. She totally changed our outlook on how we were going to live on past this time.
As we requested, another scan was given. At this point I knew, and they knew what the outcome would be, but for piece of mind we needed to go through it.
When we were told we could go in, we had to go past all the pregnant mothers. THAT WAS HARD. Seeing my sister in panic mode just because she was amongst pregnant woman, panicking she would bump into anyone, panicking that people could see her tears, and that they would know shes lost her baby in her lovely big bump.
Just as they were about to go in I said
“Ill wait out here I dont want to intrude”
Knowing full well at this point I was thinking of myself not wanting to see what was about to happen .
But my sister wanted me there so in I went.
I sat on the other side of the room watching these 2 amazing parents to be preparing so calmly and quietly to see there baby on the screen.
Jelly went on my sisters belly, at that moment we all held our breath’s and prayed so hard to hear a heart beat.
Instead, all there was silence .........................................................
That for me was THE moment it all sunk in, that little baby girl on the big screen, the outline of a spin and head I could see would never be held warm in my arms.
“Auntie Shell” would never be called for from her mouth .
The next part of the story is theirs... I left them to bring their baby into the world. Baby MIA
I cant quite bring myself to write about the moment my sister, her partner and I all met baby Mia and how we documented it all. Maybe in time. But what I will say is , it was a mixture of sadness , happiness and unbelievably proudness.
Its so hard on the parents, absolute hell, the most excruciating pain you can experience.
But it can also be hard on family members.
I remember at one point just crying into my husband wishing he could take the pain in my heart away, it physically hurt to breath. I desperately wanted to make things better for my sister, I wanted to protect her, pretend to her that I was strong and was supporting her, but secretly inside I was so angry and upset with anything and everything. All I wanted to do was make things right, I wanted my Niece, baby Mia, breathing.
For weeks after I disconnected myself from my husband and little girl. It affected my family life at home, being away from them all the time. My little girl was only 2 years old at the time, telling her baby Mia was in the sky was so difficult, she couldn’t understand what that meant or why mummy had been leaving her so much.
I will never forget the midwife pulling me aside and asking if I was doing ok, telling me its ok if I’m not, I didn’t think I felt like I had the right to be feeling the way I was as I thought it was selfish, but looking back I was grieving also.
This experience has inspired me to raise awareness and funds for all the charities that help families, such as ourselves get through these awful times. As well as offering support , they research into why this happens and try to save babies lives.
So please help me raise awareness and funds by donating at